DaRK oNe ZeRo - The Dark Side

Since I was seventeen I had this fucked up dream
Of being some celeberty and be seen on TV
Now I’m twenty-three, and it’s sensless I see
it doesn’t make sense, I’ll always be little old restless me
It’s cold and it’s dark but I stand and it’s hard
I try to reach my hand out as far as I can
But my plan is parked, fuckin stuck in the sand
So I try to suck it up and just be a man
But my son is getting big, soon he’ll be four
I had a wife and saw her walk out the door
I’ve seen shit I’ve never seen before
And my relationship with this bitch is impossible to restore

Welcome to my world hangin on the edge of sword everytime i’m bored I start writin on this board Yeah, I’ve done some shit before drank my self stupid til hit the floor try to reach the door but can’t open it cause my head’s too fuckin sore, shit now I’m blabberin and yappin all this beer’s got me rappin but whatever happened to just sittin back and laughin? am I crazy? yeah maybe I have been but no one has saved me so I sit back lappin up one and a half cases of beer til I can’t figure out what’s far and near go to the bar and hear about how I was hittin on a queer wake up in the morning my mind racing and soaring aftertaste of chlorine vikadin formaldahide and taurine Hi, my name’s dan and I’m a closet alchoholic I’ve got a damn disease and they don’t know what to call it so I drive up to sonic high smokin up some chronic Go behind the counter, see the drive thru mic and get on it tell the people waitin whatever they want we don’t got it tell them that we’re shut down because of a outbreak case of boubonic plauge and roaches laid eggs in all of the lemonades what’d you say? the manager’s not here it’s out in the back getting laid! Hey, I’ve ran out of shit to say, said all the shit I have to say so for today, I got this shit all outta my head.

  Lately I’ve had a lot on my mind… I’m in a middle of a divorce but it’s just so damn hard sometimes. On one of my poems, I wrote that “When I look at (Brad) I see her in his eyes”, and it’s true. Life’s just fuckin tough man. Too tough for me. Whenever I get depressed, which seems to be a lot lately, there’s only three things I think of. One is my son, first and foremost. The second is my best friend, who has always been there for me in the hardest of times. The third I’ve always tried to forget, but just lingers in the back of my mind. That’s what this poem is about.

Seems like lately I’ve been so confused
From all this time I’ve been abused
All this shit I take, All this shit I’ve used
What the hell happened? When I’ve been so used

to this beautiful little life
Dreamed of havin three kids and a wife
but it seems like lately I would rather die
than livin the rest of my life a lie

I remember all the shit I used to say
All the good times with my boys back in the day
when I used to sit on my trampoline and pray
from someone to save me from dismay

But i think that I just try to hard
hopin that my addictions don’t get to far
that I can heal from these scars
when I keel over and look to the stars

And ask for god to gimme another chance
send me an ambulance cause of this sick dance
up this tree, about to fall and hit every branch
I feel like I’m about to drop at a fucking glance

Whatever happened between me and my wife?
I made my mistakes and so did she
I nailed the stake but she twist the knife
now lately my misery has been eatin me

Cause of the mistakes I made
Seems like all the times I prayed
have been totally reversed for all the mistakes I made
It’s like a dumb play that’s never been rehersed

So what the fuck should I do?
If you were me you’d be so confused
so let’s trade shoes and you can refuse
All this shit I’ve always prayed to

Have, you’d think that I’d be glad
Cause I’m finally a single dad
I can finally mingle at
all those places I’ve never been

So why am I so damn mad?
You be me, just come within
my sad mind, all this time thinkin
what a bad dad I’ve been

when my poor Brad
has gotta see his mom and dad
splittin up cause of some sad
slip up, a fuck up,
it’s gotta fuckin rip up

his poor mind cause he’s only three years old
what the hell will I tell him when he gets old?
I know it’s fucked up cause I heard it too
my mom and dad split up when I was only two

the shit always fucked with me, it still does
I had a wife and kid and it fucked me up
now I can’t seem to make up with anyone
cause everytime I wake up I fuck up

all my friendships and relationships
to all these friends I’ve had it’s shit
What the hell am I gonna do with
my life should I just end it?

This is the thirteenth song where Ive talked about suicide
all the rest were about homocide, so you decide,
take this shit through my eyes
have I ever lived my life right?

All of the sudden I dream of blood then As soon as I think I’m dead I wake up in my bed with sweat covering all my sheets, realize it’s just in my head check for my heartbeat but it’s just me I’m just crazy like I said These things that talk to me when I’m sad or dreaming When I’m walking in my sleep screaming About me just wanting to be gleaming in my self being but its seeming more hard than what you’re seeing Now you understand why I don’t get no sleep Because I choose to live my life so damn deep In my own self pity, it’s shitty I can get away from this gay ass excuse of a situation which has taken me away from this vacation If it’s so simple I want an explanation Of why I’m pacin’ back and forth prayin’ things will go right, oh everything will be alright but at night when shit gets tight it just seems like I turn out the light and wait for my life to get bright but my life aint exactly like yours or hers or anyone else’s for that fuckin matter how can you be sure when I can walk up this ladder? All I can do is pick up my scattered brain and hope I dont turn it into a dang splatter On the wall it’s all so damn crazy If I don’t fall It’ll be a-fucking-mazing but I feel like everybody fucking hates me Yeah Dan’s so fucking lucky, aint he? I’ll tell ya I’ll be damned if I don’t have a gun in my hand Nice to know ya, I can’t stand or tolerate All this hate, let’s see if I can land On this knife from eight floors up, wouldn’t that be great?

Back again

It’s the return of
DaRK oNe ZeRo

In the back of my brain this pains got
Me feelin like ive gone insane
Yea how many times do I have to explain?
That since all this shit im not quite the same
You motherfuckers think this is all just a game
Until I came with a pitbull and a great dane
A knife and a AK and point it at your wife’s brain
You think our lives are the same? OK,
Someday we can compare and I’ll say
Were exactly the same in completely different ways
Even though im stoned in a daze five days
Of the week, yeah you already hit your peak
But the way I see I have at least seventy
More years to grow and party plenty
All you think you’ve seen the last of me
But guess what? Oh fuck here I am
With my old name back and slammin
Up every beat that I can
Even if im a quarter Mexican
I can still cause disorder everywhere I am
I guess its just me, not whats in a name
Ah what the fuck am I sayin
Just give me 30 seconds and ill have you in my bed
Layin down with your feet up so I can
Fuck you until everyone else is eatin pizza
Sayin what the hell is all that screaming?
I haven’t seen lisa have you seen her?
No but I bet shes in  there getting a piece of
Dan the man, back again, slappin again
Rappin again, listenin to Eminem again
Or dark one wudeva yall wanna call him
You don’t understand im just a sick man
Restin with a ball of resin and a nice little
Pipe full of has hash smoking it all till its ash
Yeah fuck you, did this offend you?
I hope so, maybe this shit will stick to you
So you can remember what happened
When you were sittin there laughin
Reading my shit on your computer screen
Cause I don’t give a fuck if im rude or mean
But in reality there only two things
I care about, a bitch aint  one
So I hope you had your fun, im out for now
Its time to take a few more pills
And im gonna pass out for now.

Took me 15 minutes. Not bad, right? :)

I re-upped on my original piece of dark, twisted poetry with this. Must have been another fucked up day, cause like before, I really don’t remember writing this. Weed’s a helluva drug.

I think I’ll never know why I still hide
behind my false sense of pride that’s inside
all these feelings I feel that are so unreal
and the sad thing is I can’t fucking deal
with the shit that’s going on inside me,
and I still feel so helpless despite ne
because I can’t fucking sleep at night.
I’m still so confused and scared that I might
end up never being able to rest
at all for days and days on end unless
all the stupid assholes on earth will die,
I hate those people who live life a lie.
Those dipshits are the ones who need to feed
off of greed, they don’t even want to see
what real life is about, and there’s no doubt
that all these assholes do is whine and pout
about how they never seem to have enough cash
when what they actually do is stash
their grass that they constantly confide in,
and I know I’m not lyin’ because I’m
still restless every time I try to sleep.
I’m still hoping that I won’t fall too deep.
But all those thoughts are running through my brain
they’re all the same, all driving me insane
and I’ll still be restless at night tonight,
‘cause I can still feel the ropes getting tight
on my neck, unable to address this
hopelessness of me still being restless.
My body hurts, my mind is on the edge.
I feel like I’m standing on a ledge
looking down, thousands of feet to the ground
ready to drop and stop without a sound.
It feels like knives going into my skin,
a hopeless addiction that I can’t win
and my mind is on the verge of collapse
but at any time, it can all relapse
right back to the start, back into my heart;
all of this shit is tearing me apart
because all of this weed and ecstacy
has ripped it’s black claws deep inside me,
but I need them to go on everyday
and this hopeless habit won’t go away.
I know that my life is forever changed,
and I’m sure that I will end up derranged
but maybe this is how it’s meant to be.
Or maybe god is just fucking with me.

What’s weird is I can barely remember writing this… must have been a bad day. Ripped from my LiveJournal. Must have been a bad fucking day. 11:05pm: Restless
I remember the nights when I’d wake in fright
from dreams of knives cutting in me until i bled,
and i knew that the hate inside me fed off the
fear that in my bed i’d be laying dead.
Those thoughts in my head were what I had dread
as i fled from a life i couldnt escape as I’d
cross through the gate where death did await
trying to forget the general hate towards my fate,
always wishing i wasn’t really awake, trying
to shake the stench of the world off of me.

I’ve never been bittter to anyone, I just
wanted them to die.
I only wanted to sleep at night not
having to cry.
I was getting sick of listening
to myself lie.

The only way i could rest in my life
was to pucture a knife in all those
assholes’ that I hated.
I’d want to cut them until they bleed,
get on their knees and start to plead:
“Shit! Don’t kill me! I’m Sorry, I’m not
ready to leave!”, then i’d yell:
“FUCK YOU BITCH, I’ll never forgive
you for the shit you’ve done! It’s funny
how you only apologize when you’re
starin at my gun. There’s no need to
worry though, ‘cause when I’m done
fucking NO ONE will be able to fucking find you!
And nobody’ll see me when you’re thrown into
the deep dark ocean blue.”

I’ll never forgive them for what they did to me.
It’s because of them I wanted to go on a killing spree.
All my life I’ve lost,
at so high of a cost,
and now that my life is gone
I feel so withdrawn from the joy i once had,
the joy that now drives me mad.
( Originally posted on DJ.com [8-15-02] )) 11:04pm: gggghhhhuuu….
Today’s been such a shitty day. I think the thousands of days where I only got 3 hours of sleep are starting to add up. All day i’ve felt about 2 seconds away from jumping out of my skin. I couldnt stand being out of my bed. Sleeping was the only thing i thought about all day, and ironically enough, it’s now midnight and i’m just sitting here nailing away at a keyboard. I don’t think i’ve made a poem (“Restless”) that fast before. It took me so little time, all I did was fucking type. I guess i needed some way to let myself out today or else i would go fucking insane. There’s so much i want to get out right now, but the fact that i’m about ready to collapse seems to be overwhelming me. Sleep may be one of the biggest things in the world that is not taken seriously enough. I feel like i’m going fuckin crazy.
(( Originally posted on DJ.com [8-16-02] ))